Against hope and despair

So I fly from anxiety to fear. And back. And fro. And so on. Clutched to my breast as I fly is a portrait of Eden. But my flight is a hallucination bred in the tepid clouds of Erewhon. And my Eden is an Erewhon too. I desire to regain the paradise in the same true moment it is irretrievably lost.  Not a split moment before or after  But that same indivisible instant is my loss and embrace of the absent Eden. It is a perpetual movement from origin to origin and terminus to terminus, where origin and terminus are synonymous and simultaneous. It is a movement always-already negated. I only regain a loss.
My body is the temporal manifestation of tremor. Tremor originating from fear. In my holos, I am fear and trembling. Dread and anxiety borne of my universal situation. Fear inevitable as its conjoint, love. I lovingly clutch my Eden with fear. When in face of the fearful, the mother clutches her child to her heart, is it fear or love that animates her action? It is a misproblematized and, therefore, a merely rhetorical question? Fear and love work in tandem. The fear of the terrible felt by the mother enhances manifold her love for the child. So my situation in the world is dialectical as the thesis and antithesis of fear and love engendered by it within me. I am terrified by its power of elemental destructiveness